Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
