I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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