I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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