When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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