you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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