i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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