oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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