I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
