Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
