I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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