New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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