i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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