Kiss
Puke
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
