I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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