sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
