i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
