i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Don't tell me you're on acid again
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
