I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
