I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
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