If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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