Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
