When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
