Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
