now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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