sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
