The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
