i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
