my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
