weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
