Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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