new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
