Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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