So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
