I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
