Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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