That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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