I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
