Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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