That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
