Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I think my moral compass just broke
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