I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
