I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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