So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
