apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
