i think my tv is drunk
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
