He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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