i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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