so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
