I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
is that a dick in a sweater?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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