Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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